When I woke up this morning and after moving around a little bit I recalled part of the dream I had. I was in our church and the last song that I recall we were singing was Great is thy faithfulness. I learned that song growing up in a Christian Reformed Church. So when I woke up and had that song in my mind, it reminded me of those days.
When I sing that song in my church now, I am also reminded of the foundation of my faith and how what I was taught growing up is ingrained in me. There were many things as a child I did not like as part of the service, but the singing was my favorite. I recall vividly how our pastor sang during the message sometimes. I would not be paying attention as is normal for most children, but when he sang, I would look up and bask in hearing him sing. I still have my Psalter Hymnal from those years from when I made my Profession of Faith.
In order to make my Profession of Faith, I had to attend a Catechism class and then go before the Elders and be able to answer questions from the book in that class. I did not really know the answers well, so after one person would say his answer, I reiterated what he said. He did not like that and told me so afterwards. I was embarrassed and felt ashamed as I knew he was right. Unfortunately that left me with feelings of doubt about my own faith and always the need to get the “right” answer. This not only happens in my faith, but also anytime I am going to have to answer a question. If I get the right answer I can relax and if I don’t I feel embarrassed about it.
Writing this last paragraph was an insight for me in why I struggle when I have to talk about my faith or be interviewed by someone, because I am afraid of being found out that I am a fraud. My question to myself is “If I don’t get the “right answer” does that really mean I am a fraud?” I say no! It just means there is something there that was in the remote recesses of my mind that has just been brought to light now and I can do something about it. That in itself is very freeing.
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