Have you ever found yourself with a series of revelations where the puzzle pieces all seem to connect in a brief period of time? I have recently and this isn’t the first time it has happened. A huge issue that I have been working on is weight loss. When someone else would look at me they would not consider me overweight as I am tall. However, I carry the weight in my mid-section, which makes me feel ugly. This was painfully true when I saw a picture of myself while I was doing an exercise for strengthening my back. I was mortified and I felt shame. This is something I have struggled with for about 30 years now.
I recently identified that there is an emptiness inside of me that leaves me wanting more. So this past weekend at a Fourth of July party, I found myself taking seconds including dessert twice. It was only when I went into the house where no one was at took some food and ate it indoors where no one would see me eating that I realized I had stepped into a direction I never thought I would head in. I couldn’t have handled it to eat a third helping of food in front of everyone. I felt guilty, but at least no one knew except me and God.
Then we went to the fireworks display and my son’s new girlfriend got ash in her eye from the fireworks. I had insisted we sit closer where we could see the ground displays and we were technically not sitting in the right area. It turned out she had a scratch on her cornea, but all I could do was blame myself, because we sat in that spot. Logically, I know it was not my fault, but the self-blame was so constant and rather selfish when I think about that she was the one with her eye hurting. I was allowing my emotions to rule my own concern for her well-being.
When we returned home, I grabbed a snack. I knew I wasn’t hungry, but just wanted to nibble. As I felt guilty again for eating and climbed in bed that night, I suddenly made this connection between feeling empty emotionally and then eating to fill that void. This emptiness affects other areas of my life namely overspending and how I use my time.
I feel so good about the insight, but now there is a process to recognizing that feeling and then doing something else instead of eating. Time to do things that I enjoy that will satisfy the longing. One of those is writing and I have been loving doing that. Another I like to do is photography. Each time I look at the photographs I have taken, I can recall how I felt and then see things from a different perspective each time.